My big mistake

I made a big mistake recently. Anyone who has ever considered adoption or been through an adoption knows to avoid this one.

I fell hopelessly in love with a waiting child.

We haven't been looking for a child to adopt.  Still, I am on certain lists and emails come my way... and there was this boy.  And through a set of circumstances and "coincidences", I became certain that this child was destined to be mine.  I prayed and prayed; knowing that, at best, this was going to be a tough sell for almost everyone in my life.  I was sure that God was speaking and that this boy belonged to me.  Walls would come tumbling down.  Patience and faith were the keys... patience and faith.

Except they weren't the keys and this boy will not be my son.  Months passed while I patiently prayed for the pieces to fall into place.  But they didn't fall the way I had hoped for.  Tom feels our family is complete and will not be swayed from this position.  He, reasonably, doesn't want to risk tipping the delicate balance we have developed in our family.  While I might hear God, this time Tom does not.  Not here and now in this situation.  Faith and patience did not turn out to be my allies... while I was faithfully praying and patiently waiting, the agency advocating for this child quietly eliminated their waiting child list from Ethiopia and with it the listing for "my" boy.  I am too late.

I cry now for this child who was never mine and never will be.  I wonder what will become of him, a child with a significant special need in a third world country with absolutely no services to assist his family in caring for him now or to help him be a productive member of society in the future.  Will he grow to adulthood?  Will he get any education?  Will he be surrounded by people who will nurture him or will he end up on the streets?

I don't know.  I have no way to know.

I am sad that I will never have this boy to hold and love.  The ache I feel in my heart is almost unbearably painful.  I am sad that I was so wrong about what I thought God was asking me to do.  I wonder why it is so hard for me to hear God accurately, and yet so many other people seem to have a direct line right to their eardrums.  I feel foolish and faithless and hopelessly wrong.

And my heart is broken, with two big holes in it... a hole for this child and a hole for my faith.

Our family has grown by three...

...but only temporarily, and maybe not how you were thinking!

Our friend Alli is in between life phases. After spending several years teaching school in Addis Ababa, she returned to the USA to pursue some advancements in her education. Some life twists and turns occurred, and she and her little boys needed a place to hang out while waiting to move to St. Martin to pursue her medical degree. So... here they are in Ashland, Nebraska. Alli grew up nearby, so she isn't a stranger to the Great Plains. She is getting some time to study and we are enjoying having her and the delightful Zachary and Eyasu around the house.

 Zachary and Eyasu

We got to help Zach celebrate his third birthday!

Plus, Alli likes to bake... it's a win-win!

Eyasu, Tom and Miss Sylvia Kittywhiskens having a wrestle. 

Very sleepy Zach with Alli.

Winter blahs

I am stuck in some kind of winter doldrums. I have found myself sitting in front of my keyboard on several occasions, determined to write an interesting blog post... but no words come. I wanted to write about the adoption summit we attended, but no words would come. I wanted to write about race and adoption, but no words would come. I thought about many different topics, really... but I just can't seem to get the words from my brain down to the keys on my computer.

This time of year is always hard for me, with the shorter days and cold and often gloomy weather. It seems worse to me now; maybe because I am still having problems from my shoulder surgery in December and maybe because I am having some other physical issues that are dragging me down. I am so tired. 

Sometimes, I also find myself thinking that out of the thousands (millions ?) of blogs in the blogosphere, who cares what is happening at my house? My blog is mainly for me because I like to write. I do like to share pictures of the family. But gosh, what is the point? Nothing I have to say is going to influence the course of world events... or even local ones!

 Okay, now I've depressed myself.

Melkam Genna

Ethiopian Christmas is celebrated today, January 7. Yesterday, we hosted a gathering of local Ethiopian adoptive families for delicious food (both Habesha and American), fun and fellowship. What a great group of families... hope we can do this every year.

Thank you, Katja S., for taking these great pictures!

Tom and me

Thomas and a bunch of boys.  :)

 Moms

 Kids

Candace and Sarah

Enjoying the delicious food...

Good riddance to 2012

At the New Year, it's seems everyone is full of resolutions and reflections about the past year. To me, 2012 will be remembered as one of the most horrible years ever. There were some bright moments: delivering the BEMM ambulance to Mareya, Anna's high school graduation, blissful family time in Hawaii and finally falling in love with my youngest son among them. Layered over every single moment, though, is mourning... gut-wrenching, soul-draining grief over the loss of my dearly loved Daddy and my own struggles to handle it.

My grief has made me question everything about myself.  A formerly good athlete, I am physically falling apart.  An introvert by nature, I feel increasingly awkward around groups of people and just want to be home alone with my family more and more.  My family is my only joy.  I am lonely.  I worry about failing my family and what friends I still have.  I wonder all the time if the next 40 years will zip by and I will have accomplished little and have nothing to remember but being sad and tired.

It is said that God has a plan for each one of us.  I am listening for God, and I think I hear him.  But maybe I hear what I want God to say.  I don't know how to tell the difference.  I am praying that with God's grace, 2013 will be a healing year, a renewal year for broken me.

Gymnastics redux

My last post about Spears family gymnastics was written in January of 2009.  With both the big girls no longer competing and my last day of coaching behind me, I thought we were done.  Competitive gymnastics is a huge time sucker, and although we all missed it terribly it was also a relief and a necessity with the arrival of three new littles during the next two years.

But then, Gabby Douglas happened.  And Candace and Sarah went gaga for gymnastics.  So, here we go.  A couple of weeks ago, they had a Holiday Showcase at their gym... an opportunity for the rec kids to show their parents what they have learned.  I thought the twins did pretty well.  Not sure if competition is in their future or not... coach Paula is cringing a little over some of that form, but as a mommy I was pretty proud.  :)

Disclaimer:  I have no idea which twin is which in most of these pictures.

Sarah stretching

More stretching

Sarah (top) and Candace waiting to start.

Marching to first event... Sarah left, Candace right.

 On the big beam

 Cartwheel on the low beam.

 Cartwheel on the floor.

Kickover

 Vaulting

 Finished!  Candace blocking Sarah's face...

Holly jolly Christmas 2012

Ho, ho littles at the O'Connor family party.

Chicken dance with the O'Connor cousins.

 My cousin Crystal modeling her new

 white elephant inspired look.

Emily plays Santa on Christmas morning.

Grandma Miles and Percy joined us for Christmas this year.

 Thomas loves opening presents!

Sarah and Candace love their new Nooks!

Sometimes ninjas and various Lego dudes

 visit one of our nativity scenes.

  Our beautiful children... plus Bobby dog.

O Holy Night

Blessings to all and Merry Christmas!

Sharing the wealth of the season

In 2011, Americans gave over $298 billion to support charitable organizations and causes.  While these organizations receive donations through-out the year, on average 41% of the money contributed comes in the final weeks of the year.  (Statistics courtesy of Charity Navigator)  If you are one of the many families looking for a special place to make a holiday donation, I have some suggestions of favorite charities that I encourage you to learn more about and support.

Because Every Mother Matters - Sada's House

If you have read my blog before, you have probably read about Because Every Mother Matters and the great work they do sponsoring impoverished mothers in Dessie, Ethiopia.  Another major project that BEMM has undertaken is Sada's House.  This home is a temporary haven for girls and young women who are the victims of human trafficking in Dessie, Ethiopia.  There are currently five girls ranging in age from 9 to 16 at the home.  Here they are fed, educated and loved as they are given a safe place to heal.  Ultimately, the plan is for them to be placed with foster mothers from the sponsorship program so that they can grow up in a loving family environment.

Even in Ethiopia, running a household is expensive.  Sada's House needs funding to remain open and provide hope and safety for our girls.  You can find Because Every Mother Matters on the web (click here) and on Facebook to contribute to this worthy cause.  Every dollar makes a difference.


Freedom a la Cart

You can help victims of sex trafficking right here in the United States too.  Freedom a la Cart employs survivors of sex trafficking and helps other victims through the profits of its mobile food and catering business in Columbus, Ohio.  They have big plans: to open a full-scale restaurant with future franchises to spread their message and rescue and restoration efforts across the country... big dreams that need some money to make them a reality.  You can read more about this great group and donate here.


Doma International - Hidota Health Center

One of the first big projects undertaken by BEMM was to partner with Doma to raise $15,000 needed to begin construction on a health clinic for women and children in Bora, Ethiopia.  The health clinic is almost complete now.  The clinic provides medical services to women and children in a remote area of Ethiopia that is not readily accessible by vehicles.  You can read about my husband Tom's recent trip with Doma to celebrate the grand opening of the Hidota clinic here.  Now that the clinic is up and running, there are weekly expenses to keep project going.  Doma is looking for families and individuals to become "care holders".  Each care holder sponsors the clinic for one week of operations... $840 as an annual gift or $70 per month.  Your picture will be displayed at the clinic during your sponsored week so that the people served by the clinic can know a little about their caring partners in the United States... pretty neat.  :)  You can watch a video about the care center and learn more about donating by clicking on this link.  You can also click on the Doma logo in the left column to learn more about this great group.

I hope you have been encouraged to include one or all of these worthy causes in your charitable giving this holiday season!

Happy Christmahanukwanzaka to all!

Six years old!

Thomas said it was his best birthday ever... 

Happy sixth birthday, Feyissa Thomas!

Making a wish.

Serenaded with the birthday song by friends and family!

The twins and friend Sienna are spectators

 as Thomas opens his gifts.

Thomas and his new shield from sister Emily.

 Avengers Legos from brother Kenneth.

Thomas and neighbor friends Sienna and Kaiser.

 Best buddies.

 

A hole in my heart

One year ago today, my Daddy left this world for a better one.  I think about him every single day.  My dad was a wonderful father, a loving grandpa and an outstanding human being.  I know he's in a better place... but I miss him so much in this one.

I love you, Daddy.