Sunday, July 5, 2009

One month

Tomorrow marks one month since we came home from Ethiopia with Candace and Sarah. I couldn't decide for awhile what I wanted to write in this post, because there are such mixed feelings. Yes, our family loves them both dearly... but this last month has been horribly hard. Much harder than I thought it would be, but in a different way. The international adoption press is full of such discouraging books that a person can be afraid to adopt because of all the nightmare scenarios that are presented. We haven't had those. Thankfully. What we have had is a daily struggle with limits. Continual pouting if one of the twins doesn't get her way. Deliberate disobedience. A nightly struggle with bedtime. Saying "no" gets no results until it is said repeatedly and finally loudly as NO!!! Doing fun things is fraught with anxiety because when it's time for the fun to end, one or the other of the twins invariably pitches a fit. Yesterday one of them went into a pout because Tom wouldn't agree to get her a horse.

I am pretty much unable to leave the house unless I take them with me, because they behave so badly with whatever lucky family member got left in charge. I'm only talking two hours for a hair appointment. What is the most frustrating is how totally incompetent they make me feel as a mother. I have done this before, three times! But I just don't think I'm getting it with them. I am so tired at night that I'm going to bed two hours earlier than I used to. My house is a wreck and I'm barely keeping up with the laundry. I'm worried that the older kids will be resentful of their new sisters. My pets feel neglected and trail me around woefully, at least when they aren't hiding in their crate or the laundry room.

I love them so much; I just want to be the best mommy for them that I can be. We do have happy times and fun times; I just want those times to be more frequent! Nothing is more precious than having those little arms around my neck while they say "I love you, Mommy." I want that part to be true, and I want them to feel safe, loved and secure.

But I also wish I didn't spend so much of my day feeling like an incompetent boob.