Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Good riddance to 2012

At the New Year, it's seems everyone is full of resolutions and reflections about the past year. To me, 2012 will be remembered as one of the most horrible years ever. There were some bright moments: delivering the BEMM ambulance to Mareya, Anna's high school graduation, blissful family time in Hawaii and finally falling in love with my youngest son among them. Layered over every single moment, though, is mourning... gut-wrenching, soul-draining grief over the loss of my dearly loved Daddy and my own struggles to handle it.

My grief has made me question everything about myself.  A formerly good athlete, I am physically falling apart.  An introvert by nature, I feel increasingly awkward around groups of people and just want to be home alone with my family more and more.  My family is my only joy.  I am lonely.  I worry about failing my family and what friends I still have.  I wonder all the time if the next 40 years will zip by and I will have accomplished little and have nothing to remember but being sad and tired.

It is said that God has a plan for each one of us.  I am listening for God, and I think I hear him.  But maybe I hear what I want God to say.  I don't know how to tell the difference.  I am praying that with God's grace, 2013 will be a healing year, a renewal year for broken me.