Wednesday, February 27, 2013

My big mistake


I made a big mistake recently. Anyone who has ever considered adoption or been through an adoption knows to avoid this one.

I fell hopelessly in love with a waiting child.

We haven't been looking for a child to adopt.  Still, I am on certain lists and emails come my way... and there was this boy.  And through a set of circumstances and "coincidences", I became certain that this child was destined to be mine.  I prayed and prayed; knowing that, at best, this was going to be a tough sell for almost everyone in my life.  I was sure that God was speaking and that this boy belonged to me.  Walls would come tumbling down.  Patience and faith were the keys... patience and faith.

Except they weren't the keys and this boy will not be my son.  Months passed while I patiently prayed for the pieces to fall into place.  But they didn't fall the way I had hoped for.  Tom feels our family is complete and will not be swayed from this position.  He, reasonably, doesn't want to risk tipping the delicate balance we have developed in our family.  While I might hear God, this time Tom does not.  Not here and now in this situation.  Faith and patience did not turn out to be my allies... while I was faithfully praying and patiently waiting, the agency advocating for this child quietly eliminated their waiting child list from Ethiopia and with it the listing for "my" boy.  I am too late.

I cry now for this child who was never mine and never will be.  I wonder what will become of him, a child with a significant special need in a third world country with absolutely no services to assist his family in caring for him now or to help him be a productive member of society in the future.  Will he grow to adulthood?  Will he get any education?  Will he be surrounded by people who will nurture him or will he end up on the streets?

I don't know.  I have no way to know.

I am sad that I will never have this boy to hold and love.  The ache I feel in my heart is almost unbearably painful.  I am sad that I was so wrong about what I thought God was asking me to do.  I wonder why it is so hard for me to hear God accurately, and yet so many other people seem to have a direct line right to their eardrums.  I feel foolish and faithless and hopelessly wrong.

And my heart is broken, with two big holes in it... a hole for this child and a hole for my faith.

7 comments:

Charity Roach said...

Oh Paula... I am so sorry! I know how you feel. After our adoption is complete, I have promised myself that I will take myself off of lists that have photo listings of children. I will have to, because I am much like you. I can fall in love with a picture, pray and can feel in my heart that God is leading me to a child, but this time, I know that our answer will have to be no. I am much like you and much like Tom, all wrapped into one person. While I fall in love easily with the children, I know that for our family, the delicate balance will have been reached and as a mother and wife that there is no more that I can reasonably handle and still raise my family in a Godly manner. But in order to keep my heart from breaking as yours has, I will have to stop "seeing". I will pray for you and this little boy. I often wonder what happened to a little girl we had to leave in Vietnam when the country closed. It's a difficult space to fill in your heart, but this one thing I do know - God loves the orphan. While I may not be able to care for them all, God can and does! It's just so difficult when you have fallen in love.

I'm praying for you friend! I understand your hurt!

Charity

Margaret and Cordel said...

Hugs and Praying for you Paula! I recently went through a similar experience. There was a sweet 11 year old girl...both my husband and I felt drawn to her....we were both SO SURE we were meant to adopt her. But to no avail.... We know that the Lord laid this sweet girl on our hearts for a reason so until that is clear, we PRAY for her! That sweet little boy will benefit SO MUCH from your prayers!

One Thankful Mom said...

Paula, I love your heart. I'm so sorry for this pain and I know it's hard to imagine, but there is a purpose in it. I believe that God led you to love that child for a reason - prayer perhaps? I don't know, but our Savior does know and He is a good and loving God. He doesn't waste anything in our lives, even the things that don't make sense to us. Maybe one day you'll look back and know why it was that you loved this child - maybe not, but either way, your prayers and thoughts for him are not wasted. I pray that you will feel comfort from the Holy Spirit today. I wish I could come over and watch the birds out your windows while sipping coffee.

One Thankful Mom said...

Paula, I love your heart. I'm so sorry for this pain and I know it's hard to imagine, but there is a purpose in it. I believe that God led you to love that child for a reason - prayer perhaps? I don't know, but our Savior does know and He is a good and loving God. He doesn't waste anything in our lives, even the things that don't make sense to us. Maybe one day you'll look back and know why it was that you loved this child - maybe not, but either way, your prayers and thoughts for him are not wasted. I pray that you will feel comfort from the Holy Spirit today. I wish I could come over and watch the birds out your windows while sipping coffee.

Lisa

Kristen said...

I wish I were there to hug you and comfort your broken heart.
After reading your post, my heart hurt for you and these things came to my mind.
Love is never a mistake. You did not make a mistake loving this child. Love him! Even if you do not know what his life will be, God knows, God loves him.
Faith & patience are always your allies, even when the answer doesn't align w/ our heart or desire.
There have been so many times in my life where the desires of my heart sometimes drown out what God truly wants for my life and my family's life. Sometimes God uses our loved ones to temper our desires & to be the voice of discernment when something we desire might not be part of the tapestry God is weaving in our lives. Trust that God spoke to Tom & used Tom's discernment to speak what God felt was best for your family. Trust that no matter what, God knows what's best for you. While you might have felt you were the best thing for this little boy, God knows that you are the best thing for Tom, Kenneth, Emily, Anna, Sarah, Candace and Thomas... and that is where He desires your focus to be. I know this might sound harsh - my feeble attempt at the written word probably doesn't convey the love in which these words would be spoken if I were sitting next to you holding your hand.

Love endures all things! Love this boy always. It's a beautiful thing that you do love so much that your heart aches for those who are less fortunate.

Your faith did not fail you, nor did your faith fail this boy. A system might, but you nor your faith failed this boy. God has him in His hands. Trust Him. Where our prayers fall short, Christ Himself prays and His Spirit intercedes.

Do not condem yourself for being wrong about what you thought God wanted for you. Sometimes it is hard to hear God when we listen to our heart and not His. We have to turn off the chat rooms in our heads and our hearts sometimes to fully hear His voice. There are times His voice comes in a loud and clear like a trumpet; other times a whisper. Sometimes He answers quickly, other times He wants us to walk a bit longer w/ Him as we figure out His plan for our lives.
One of the life lessons I learned as I journeyed the years surrounding my struggle with infertility was this: I prayed! I prayed a lot for a child of my own. I prayed w/out ceasing it seemed. There were days I felt that if I had more faith I would have been given a child. There were days I wondered what I had done wrong, days when I just didn't understand. I thought God wasn't listening. But one day, many years later I heard a gentle whisper and I heard God speak to my heart. My child, all those years you asked for a child, I gave you children. Not of your own flesh, but those that belong to others. Nieces, nephews, Godchildren, friend's children. I knew then, had we ad our own, we would never have been as involved in other children's lives as we were... we touched so many and God used our struggle to bless others. I always focus on Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose."

od will work good in this. God can & will heal those holes in your heart. Let Him! It won't happen overnight. Heartache runs deep. Wounds take time to heal.Cry, God wants to catch your tears. God wants to heal your broken heart. Don't let your sense of failure (which you have not failed incidentally)seem like a lack of faith. Oh how Satan, the accuser, wants us to hear his voice over God's!

I will be praying for you my friend. I love you so very much. I wish I could jump in my car, head to your house and sit with you as you cry. I'm always here. Even if it's a phone call, blog response or a prayer away.

Remember - Love endures! Love is never wrong! Love never fails!

kareydk said...

Hi Paula, I don't have any "God" answers, and I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason." I think that sometimes poop just happens. But I know your pain. "How do you know when you're done?" one mother recently posted on her blog. And most "done" moms responded that they just KNEW. And it seemed like mostly it was the moms making that decision, not the fathers. I don't know how to reconcile when one's husband is DONE and you are not. It's a tough place. I don't feel done. Hubs does. Either way, someone loses. Or at least that's how it feels. I try to tell myself that T needs my time and attention and wouldn't do well sharing me with another child. I'm trying to make this about his needs and not mine. It's a tough sell...sigh.

Sha Zam- said...

ouch paula. That ache. That aching loss of a heart imagined future- is unbareable. Hugs friend.