My big mistake

I made a big mistake recently. Anyone who has ever considered adoption or been through an adoption knows to avoid this one.

I fell hopelessly in love with a waiting child.

We haven't been looking for a child to adopt.  Still, I am on certain lists and emails come my way... and there was this boy.  And through a set of circumstances and "coincidences", I became certain that this child was destined to be mine.  I prayed and prayed; knowing that, at best, this was going to be a tough sell for almost everyone in my life.  I was sure that God was speaking and that this boy belonged to me.  Walls would come tumbling down.  Patience and faith were the keys... patience and faith.

Except they weren't the keys and this boy will not be my son.  Months passed while I patiently prayed for the pieces to fall into place.  But they didn't fall the way I had hoped for.  Tom feels our family is complete and will not be swayed from this position.  He, reasonably, doesn't want to risk tipping the delicate balance we have developed in our family.  While I might hear God, this time Tom does not.  Not here and now in this situation.  Faith and patience did not turn out to be my allies... while I was faithfully praying and patiently waiting, the agency advocating for this child quietly eliminated their waiting child list from Ethiopia and with it the listing for "my" boy.  I am too late.

I cry now for this child who was never mine and never will be.  I wonder what will become of him, a child with a significant special need in a third world country with absolutely no services to assist his family in caring for him now or to help him be a productive member of society in the future.  Will he grow to adulthood?  Will he get any education?  Will he be surrounded by people who will nurture him or will he end up on the streets?

I don't know.  I have no way to know.

I am sad that I will never have this boy to hold and love.  The ache I feel in my heart is almost unbearably painful.  I am sad that I was so wrong about what I thought God was asking me to do.  I wonder why it is so hard for me to hear God accurately, and yet so many other people seem to have a direct line right to their eardrums.  I feel foolish and faithless and hopelessly wrong.

And my heart is broken, with two big holes in it... a hole for this child and a hole for my faith.

Our family has grown by three...

...but only temporarily, and maybe not how you were thinking!

Our friend Alli is in between life phases. After spending several years teaching school in Addis Ababa, she returned to the USA to pursue some advancements in her education. Some life twists and turns occurred, and she and her little boys needed a place to hang out while waiting to move to St. Martin to pursue her medical degree. So... here they are in Ashland, Nebraska. Alli grew up nearby, so she isn't a stranger to the Great Plains. She is getting some time to study and we are enjoying having her and the delightful Zachary and Eyasu around the house.

 Zachary and Eyasu

We got to help Zach celebrate his third birthday!

Plus, Alli likes to bake... it's a win-win!

Eyasu, Tom and Miss Sylvia Kittywhiskens having a wrestle. 

Very sleepy Zach with Alli.

Winter blahs

I am stuck in some kind of winter doldrums. I have found myself sitting in front of my keyboard on several occasions, determined to write an interesting blog post... but no words come. I wanted to write about the adoption summit we attended, but no words would come. I wanted to write about race and adoption, but no words would come. I thought about many different topics, really... but I just can't seem to get the words from my brain down to the keys on my computer.

This time of year is always hard for me, with the shorter days and cold and often gloomy weather. It seems worse to me now; maybe because I am still having problems from my shoulder surgery in December and maybe because I am having some other physical issues that are dragging me down. I am so tired. 

Sometimes, I also find myself thinking that out of the thousands (millions ?) of blogs in the blogosphere, who cares what is happening at my house? My blog is mainly for me because I like to write. I do like to share pictures of the family. But gosh, what is the point? Nothing I have to say is going to influence the course of world events... or even local ones!

 Okay, now I've depressed myself.