The lucky ones

There are two other families from our agency that received their referrals about the same day we did in December. They had court dates on the same days we did and failed to pass court for the same reason. For some reason, our case was approved in April and theirs were not. Both of these families wait for sibling groups, so five children are still in the orphanage in Addis Ababa instead of at home with their forever families. I have met all five of them, and they are beautiful. I am so thankful to have Candace and Sarah at home, but the seeming randomness of the situation makes me feel so frustrated for the other families... and a little guilty. Why were we the "lucky ones"?

I would like to ask everyone who reads my blog to pray for these two families. Please leave a comment and let them know that you are praying for them.

Talking

Since we returned from our trip to Indiana a week and a half ago, I have noticed a big jump in the twins' English speaking ability. They are using pronouns and saying things in complete, although short sentences. For example, today Sarah said "Let me show you." I think being around all of those people helped improve their language skills. I just filled out the paperwork today for preschool starting in the fall. Hopefully that will provide an even bigger boost!

Heartbreak

Today Candace Selam told me that she has two mommies... Kebebush and me. Kebebush is the great aunt who was the primary caretaker of the twins in Ethiopia before they were brought to the orphanage. This is the first mention either girl has made of their life before they were in the orphanage.

Later today she suddenly started to cry, and told Emily she wanted to go to Ethiopia and see Kebebush. We have one tiny photo of her, so I made larger copies for both girls to put in their photo albums, which they both hugged to themselves.

Tonight at bedtime, Tom and I each rocked a twin as they sobbed over the loss of Kebebush.

My heart just broke for them.

New things the twins have done lately

Rode a carousel!

Went to the zoo with Mommy, Daddy and sisters Emily and Anna.

Got new baby dolls.

Met lots of new relatives, including Grandpa and Grandma Spears

And Grandpa and Grandma Miles.

Learned how to blow bubbles.

Went to a wedding and posed with Anna's diving coach, Kelly, the beautiful bride.

Thank you, friends

I have received so many supportive and kind phone calls, emails and comments on my blog that I just wanted to say thank you to all of my wonderful friends and family... the ones I "really" know and the ones I know through cyber space... my heart feels lighter just knowing that God has allowed all of these wonderful people to be part of my life.

The girls and I are leaving tomorrow for a trip to Milwaukee for a diving meet followed by the much anticipated trip to visit family in Indianapolis. (Kenneth and Tom will join us in Indiana for the weekend.) Please pray that we reach our destinations safely and sanely. It's a LOT of driving.

One month

Tomorrow marks one month since we came home from Ethiopia with Candace and Sarah. I couldn't decide for awhile what I wanted to write in this post, because there are such mixed feelings. Yes, our family loves them both dearly... but this last month has been horribly hard. Much harder than I thought it would be, but in a different way. The international adoption press is full of such discouraging books that a person can be afraid to adopt because of all the nightmare scenarios that are presented. We haven't had those. Thankfully. What we have had is a daily struggle with limits. Continual pouting if one of the twins doesn't get her way. Deliberate disobedience. A nightly struggle with bedtime. Saying "no" gets no results until it is said repeatedly and finally loudly as NO!!! Doing fun things is fraught with anxiety because when it's time for the fun to end, one or the other of the twins invariably pitches a fit. Yesterday one of them went into a pout because Tom wouldn't agree to get her a horse.

I am pretty much unable to leave the house unless I take them with me, because they behave so badly with whatever lucky family member got left in charge. I'm only talking two hours for a hair appointment. What is the most frustrating is how totally incompetent they make me feel as a mother. I have done this before, three times! But I just don't think I'm getting it with them. I am so tired at night that I'm going to bed two hours earlier than I used to. My house is a wreck and I'm barely keeping up with the laundry. I'm worried that the older kids will be resentful of their new sisters. My pets feel neglected and trail me around woefully, at least when they aren't hiding in their crate or the laundry room.

I love them so much; I just want to be the best mommy for them that I can be. We do have happy times and fun times; I just want those times to be more frequent! Nothing is more precious than having those little arms around my neck while they say "I love you, Mommy." I want that part to be true, and I want them to feel safe, loved and secure.

But I also wish I didn't spend so much of my day feeling like an incompetent boob.