Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Mommy fail

So... if you read my blog just to see the cute pictures of the littles, you should probably skip this one.

People say to me all the time, "You have such a beautiful family." They see us out and about, at church or shopping or whatever, usually with happy kids, both big and little, and a reasonably cheerful mom and dad. We look like peace and love and racial harmony.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Sometimes... not.

What I really have, in many ways, is three families: the family with the big kids, or the "original" family; the family with the littles, which is sort of like the "new" family; and the "combined" family, which is where everything tends to go to hell in a hand-basket.

I feel like the woman in the graphic I've attached to this post. I've had the big kid plates spinning pretty well, those original three, and I could keep the little kid plates spinning pretty well too, even though they are hard plates to spin, if I could just set those big kid plates down for awhile. But I can't, because their plates need spinning too so I'm spinning all six at once and I also have the husband plate and the the pet plate and it's really hard and then... maybe some outside clown cuts in on my performance, like a death in the family, and Mr. Death Clown starts messing with my plates and everything just comes crashing DOWN!

What we get then is mommy melt-down, and it isn't pretty. It's a screaming, crying, hysterical mess that makes everyone just want to get away. From her. In these moments, I honestly feel like pretty much the worst mother on the planet. The. Worst. I feel like I am just not giving anyone what they need and like I am a total failure and you know what? It sucks.

My kids range in age from 22 to 5 at this time. That's a huge difference in terms of wants and needs for a mom to be in tune with. Concerns are ranging from career choices to learning to tie shoes. I know of so many moms who seem to be able to do it, but I'll tell you something... it's hard. I'm not sure I'll ever feel that I'm adequate at this.

I love my family. Every single member, completely and totally. I love that the big kids have sacrificed for the littles. I also hate that the bigs have sacrificed for the littles. I just wish that I could keep everyone's plate spinning perfectly and that I would be a better, more consistent performer.


alainaw30 said...

Praying for you dear friend..remember that you're not solely responsible for those plates...allow God to help you hold them up. And when you become that screaming mess...remember grace. Wish I could give you a big hug; maybe we could just sit together in the middle of a pile of fallen plates and cry with each other.

Shannon- said...

Paula. Any one day does not make a failure as a parent. Any one week doesn't either. Neither a month. You've raised your biggies. Trust that. Trust them. Trust that you've done your job well. Trust that your littles have eachother. Trust that you are not a failure. Trust that this will not last forever. Trust that your dad is in the presence of the Lord. Trust, that you are all in the hands of the Lord. Grieve. Grieve because you've lost your dad. That is big. Big big big. Heartbreaking loss. You are not a failure. (trust me, i've got the corner on that market, remember?!!??... go ahead and chuckle )

I've typed a lot of words when really there are no words that can help, nor give you what you need. Time and healing my friend. Time. Family. Healing. Hugs to you

Kristen said...

My sweet friend! You are not a failure - at anything! It might feel that way at times... but I love what Alainaw30 said - allow God to hold them up. And when you become that screaming mess... remember grace! So true! I need to remember that too - I become a screaming mess many times as well!

You have had so much happen these past few years in your family. College, new kiddos, your papa going to his heavenly home. Sometimes I think it's really OK for us to have a big ole pity party as long as we don't stay in the pit and start hanging pictures on the pit wall! Allow yourself to grieve as Shannon said... don't bury your hurts under a rock - put your hurts on the Rock! I'm thinking of these verses from Matthew:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

~ Matthew 11:28-30

I will pray over them for you my friend!

Much love from Indy!

Crazy mom said...

Well said, Paula! I can TOTALLY relate (although my span is only from 18 to 5. We melt down...we get back up again and keep going. And that's just how it is. It's the getting back up again each time that makes you a great mom!