Going too fast

If you have older children, you know what I'm talking about. You start thinking about something cute or funny or poignant that one of your kids said or did once when they were little, and now they are in middle school or high school or college and good grief, where did all the time go?

Or maybe you have little newly adopted five year old twins, and you realize they've been home for almost eight months... eight months!... and you can hardly remember what life was like before they were part of the family, and they are already so eager to be six and can't keep talking about how great it will be to be six and be BIG! In the fall, kindergarten will start and they will be at school all day and Mommy will be missing huge chunks of their day.

Oh gosh, slow down. Just slow down. Stay little for awhile; for Mommy.

Hair skills

I love the twins' curly hair. It is so soft and springy and just beautiful. I would love to leave it free every day. Alas, it becomes quite a matted mess after a few hours of rolling around on floors and furniture and sitting in their carseats... so most days we put it up. I've been trying to learn some different styles, but the girls aren't very nice about sitting for hours while I practice. However, I thought the one I did last night came out well. We did rolling twists with some fancy diagonal parts in the front and I put the pigtails in three little twists each.

The finished hairdo

Twists from the top

The side

The back

I finished it off this morning with some little ballies around the pigtails. It stayed in pretty well overnight, too. I had to redo some of the pigtail twists, but it was easy! It's not as elaborate as the styles on one of my favorite blogs, Happy Girl Hair, but it is pretty good for a beginner. :)

History... and the lack thereof

We had a rough night this evening at bedtime. Candace began to be very agitated out of the blue, and then began to cry about missing her family in Ethiopia. This was then followed by her loud and tearful insistence that if Daddy and Mommy hadn't wanted more kids, then she wouldn't have been separated from her great aunt in Ethiopia.

I tried really hard not to take it personally, but inside, I did. This is something that gnaws at me. I'm also angry. Angry and frustrated that the agency who placed the twins with us provided so little background. Angry that we suspect some of what we were told might not be completely true. Disheartened to hear many stories from many others who experienced some degree of deception during their adoptions with the same placement agency. So sad that my lack of knowledge hampers my ability to help my dear little one cope.

But always so, so in love with my little daughters.

My husband and I are committed to find out as much as we can. We have some missionary friends in Ethiopia who are going to try to help.

I also think that maybe two weeks in between therapy visits was too ambitious of a stretch at this point.

On a lighter note, because Emily says I'm going to lose my blog's fan base if I don't post pictures, here is a random cute photo:

A happy day for a friend!

I am so happy to share that my blog friend, Celeste, is a new mama today! Her sweet little girls, Helina and El Shaday, were at the orphanage in Addis Ababa with Candace and Sarah, and today they passed court. Celeste received the referral for her daughters a couple of weeks after we got ours... she has been waiting over a year for this day!

You can read about Celeste and her beautiful daughters here: http://lessycurls.blogspot.com/

Making progress

I am almost scared to talk about it, as if by discussing it, something fragile will be accidentally broken into little pieces and scattered about for me to pick up...

but...

... things are getting better. Easier. Dare I say quieter or calmer? Thank you, wonderful therapist Cathy, for helping Candace deal with her "mad brain" and her sadness. We are having fewer and fewer meltdowns, and they are much easier to redirect. Candace is more free with her affection toward all of us, but especially me. She actually came to me for comfort after hurting herself the other day.

Last week we were literally trapped in our somewhat rural house after a big snowstorm with subzero high temperatures swept through the area. Tom was in California, but all five kids and I were enjoying some forced togetherness Tuesday through Friday, as the plows hadn't made it out our way. The twins behaved so well! And miracle of miracles, they went to bed with no problem every single night last week. Every night!

I know that there is still a lot of progress to be made by all of us, but I think I am glimpsing the family Tom and I were hoping for. We so needed to see some progress...thank you, God, for the preview.

Happy New Year, 2010

We rang in the New Year with a trip to Disney World. I am happy to report that it went surprisingly well, despite a trying 3+ hour drive in bad weather to the airport in Kansas City, and the ridiculously large holiday crowds at the park. It was a little chilly while we were there, but a lot warmer than the subzero temperatures we came home to!

Kids on Main Street

Sarah and Candace with Snow White... Candace's favorite princess!

Tom, Anna and the twins swimming on one of the warmer days.

Meeting Mickey and Minnie

The stockings are hung...

in hope that dear Santa will soon be here!

Gathering as a family....

Remember the real reason for the season!

Merry Christmas

Our day in court

Today the twins were officially re-adopted according to the laws of the state of Nebraska. Their names are now legally Candace Selam Spears and Sarah Fikir Spears, and they are United States citizens. This is the end of the road for the tedious international adoption process.

In the court room of the Saunders County Courthouse

Sarah and Candace posing with the judge up on the bench. They also enjoyed playing with the microphones at the lawyers' tables when the judge was out of the room.

Santa Claus is coming to town

I feel safe

We had our first working therapy session at the Attachment and Trauma Center of Nebraska on Saturday. I feel so hopeful now that we will be able to get some healing started. Candace and I learned a song to sing together when her "mad brain" is starting to take control.

To the tune of "Farmer in the Dell":

I am safe, I am safe. Hi ho, here we go, I am safe.

I am calm, I am calm. Hi ho, here we go, I am calm.

We're supposed to sing it in a place where Candace usually feels calm and relaxed, like Mommy's rocking chair. It can be done while rocking or while clapping our hands together in a clapping game. We've used it several times already, and it makes us both feel more in control. :)

The weather outside is frightful

But the Christmas tree is delightful!

Six months and the magic of Lite Brite

Today is the six month anniversary of coming home with Candace and Sarah. Here they are posing with their first complete Lite Brite creation. It's the same Lite Brite my teenagers played with when they were little.

They have come a long way in six months. We still have lots of work to do in terms of attachment, but maybe we're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe it's the Lite Brite at the end of the tunnel... ha, ha.

The first glimpse

One year ago today, we got our first glimpse of our new daughters.

We were officially matched with the twins the next day. I still can't believe how lucky we were. We are so blessed to have them in our family.

A lot to be thankful for

Our five greatest blessings.

Things we struggle with, part 4

Grief, anger and guilt.

Let me start by saying I love both of the twins so much that my heart feels like it could overflow. They are a huge blessing to our family.

Tom and I read a lot of books about adoption before we brought our girls home, and we thought we were ready. Sometimes the grief felt by them is staggering... it's more than they can handle and more than we can handle, too. There is anger and rage both at their Ethiopian family for leaving them, and toward us for bringing them to America. And the guilt is piling up all around... we sometimes feel guilty for taking them from Ethiopia, and they somehow feel with the logic of little children that they are to blame for losing their birth family. I also feel guilty toward my other children for subjecting them to the now frequently emotionally chaotic nature of our home.

Compounding the problem for Tom and me is that we don't really know why the twins were given up for adoption. We were told their parents died, but we don't know the reason their great aunt brought them to the orphanage. We haven't been successful in prying any details out of the in-country staff in Ethiopia, and there is nothing in our court documents that sheds any light. I just want to understand so that I can help the girls understand. They miss their great aunt very much.

I think we are going to start counseling at the Attachment and Trauma Center of Nebraska for at least one of the twins. I have been taking a class on attachment there the last several Saturdays, and the counselors are wonderful. I want her to know she is blameless and that it is okay to love both her old family and her new family. I need the help too. The emotional roller-coaster has been tough.