Win every battle!! As you know all kids manipulate and try to find ways to get their way. I have seen with our new children that consistent discipline makes them very happy and calm. Without it we have major, major problems. Hang in there mama!!! Win every battle!
Hi, Paula. My husband used to work at V, also, and is a regular reader of Tom's blog.
I thought of you this morning as I was reading the blog of an author I like who adopted from Ethiopia also. Do you know Ilie Ruby? I just finished her first novel, "The Language of Trees", and liked it so much that I went looking for more information about her.
She has a *beautiful* post about becoming a mother to 3 adopted children at one time. From what I have read on your own blog, I think you would be enchanted with it. From IlieRuby dot com, go to the blog link. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
Get rest. (even when it is you they need most- get your rest)
When they pick a battle- leave it alone. I try to remember- my lamp is replaceable- I do not need to save the tv, house,etc- when my son is drowning. And, at least in this house, when the attachment challenges are in full force, he is drowning and struggleing to want to hang on.
Good luck. I'm still recovering from our last roundup
Pick which battles you are going to let them engage you in. Sometimes I think that for T, it is the battle itself, not whether he wins or loses (see my recent facebook posting about him picking the non-existent green turtleneck when offered his choice between the gray and the red). So if I put him in timeout, I say sit on the chair or the bed. If he chooses the floor, I say, "ok, the floor is ok with me too." That way he doesn't "win" by making me get into the battle of "it can't be the floor." And when I say, "Ok the floor is fine with me" then he doesn't win by picking a spot I don't want him sitting on. I've just given him permission to sit there too. Have you read "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Keck and Kupecky? I think they have some great suggestions. My favorite is to only pick battles you can win. Better to pick and win five a day than pick 70 and win 30.
They really do look angelic. Mine bicker constantly, but aren't extremely strong willed. They are, however, extremely active. My challenge is getting them to sit quietly and focus occasionally.
Allow them to choose between acceptable choices. If that doesn't work, then MAMA gets to chose. You are right, a lot of tactics that work well with kids who are attached are NOT so effective for attachment-challenged kids. What a quandry.
I was lucky in that only one of my twins had severe attachment issues, but when it was happening it was horrible. We're mostly past it now, although occasionally things still get a little weird. I had to learn to let myself off the hook with the things that didn't really matter. I stopped cooking dinner and cleaning (mostly), and took naps whenever I could. I started saving my energy just for parenting, ignoring anything that wasn't going to help me get from wake-up to bedtime, and it made things easier. The other piece of advice our social worker gave me that was priceless was that there was nothing I could really DO to make the attachment issues better or worse. I just had to be there for them every day and let time heal. Hearing that from an expert helped me get into the right head space to just DEAL.
You have my sympathy. Completely. I know it's hard.
I have 2 as well, even though they aren't twins, days can be hard. What has helped me the most with miss H is do-overs. Instead of a time out or a battle, she is ask/told to do it over the right way. That has helped her so much and we don't battle as much. Is suppose to also map muscle memory so the next time she does it the "right" way. I haven't seen that yet:) Breathe, warm soaks in the tub and foot massages from Tom help too.
p.s. Don't be fooled by those angelic faces. Cuteness is a survival tactic.
8 comments:
Win every battle!! As you know all kids manipulate and try to find ways to get their way. I have seen with our new children that consistent discipline makes them very happy and calm. Without it we have major, major problems. Hang in there mama!!! Win every battle!
Hi, Paula. My husband used to work at V, also, and is a regular reader of Tom's blog.
I thought of you this morning as I was reading the blog of an author I like who adopted from Ethiopia also. Do you know Ilie Ruby? I just finished her first novel, "The Language of Trees", and liked it so much that I went looking for more information about her.
She has a *beautiful* post about becoming a mother to 3 adopted children at one time. From what I have read on your own blog, I think you would be enchanted with it. From IlieRuby dot com, go to the blog link. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
Cindy
Get rest. (even when it is you they need most- get your rest)
When they pick a battle- leave it alone. I try to remember- my lamp is replaceable- I do not need to save the tv, house,etc- when my son is drowning. And, at least in this house, when the attachment challenges are in full force, he is drowning and struggleing to want to hang on.
Good luck. I'm still recovering from our last roundup
Pick which battles you are going to let them engage you in. Sometimes I think that for T, it is the battle itself, not whether he wins or loses (see my recent facebook posting about him picking the non-existent green turtleneck when offered his choice between the gray and the red). So if I put him in timeout, I say sit on the chair or the bed. If he chooses the floor, I say, "ok, the floor is ok with me too." That way he doesn't "win" by making me get into the battle of "it can't be the floor." And when I say, "Ok the floor is fine with me" then he doesn't win by picking a spot I don't want him sitting on. I've just given him permission to sit there too. Have you read "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Keck and Kupecky? I think they have some great suggestions. My favorite is to only pick battles you can win. Better to pick and win five a day than pick 70 and win 30.
I got nothin' but I hope things get better for you.
They really do look angelic.
Mine bicker constantly, but aren't extremely strong willed. They are, however, extremely active. My challenge is getting them to sit quietly and focus occasionally.
Allow them to choose between acceptable choices. If that doesn't work, then MAMA gets to chose. You are right, a lot of tactics that work well with kids who are attached are NOT so effective for attachment-challenged kids. What a quandry.
If it makes you feel better, I am tired, too.
I was lucky in that only one of my twins had severe attachment issues, but when it was happening it was horrible. We're mostly past it now, although occasionally things still get a little weird. I had to learn to let myself off the hook with the things that didn't really matter. I stopped cooking dinner and cleaning (mostly), and took naps whenever I could. I started saving my energy just for parenting, ignoring anything that wasn't going to help me get from wake-up to bedtime, and it made things easier. The other piece of advice our social worker gave me that was priceless was that there was nothing I could really DO to make the attachment issues better or worse. I just had to be there for them every day and let time heal. Hearing that from an expert helped me get into the right head space to just DEAL.
You have my sympathy. Completely. I know it's hard.
I have 2 as well, even though they aren't twins, days can be hard. What has helped me the most with miss H is do-overs. Instead of a time out or a battle, she is ask/told to do it over the right way. That has helped her so much and we don't battle as much. Is suppose to also map muscle memory so the next time she does it the "right" way. I haven't seen that yet:)
Breathe, warm soaks in the tub and foot massages from Tom help too.
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