Things we struggle with, part 4

Grief, anger and guilt.

Let me start by saying I love both of the twins so much that my heart feels like it could overflow. They are a huge blessing to our family.

Tom and I read a lot of books about adoption before we brought our girls home, and we thought we were ready. Sometimes the grief felt by them is staggering... it's more than they can handle and more than we can handle, too. There is anger and rage both at their Ethiopian family for leaving them, and toward us for bringing them to America. And the guilt is piling up all around... we sometimes feel guilty for taking them from Ethiopia, and they somehow feel with the logic of little children that they are to blame for losing their birth family. I also feel guilty toward my other children for subjecting them to the now frequently emotionally chaotic nature of our home.

Compounding the problem for Tom and me is that we don't really know why the twins were given up for adoption. We were told their parents died, but we don't know the reason their great aunt brought them to the orphanage. We haven't been successful in prying any details out of the in-country staff in Ethiopia, and there is nothing in our court documents that sheds any light. I just want to understand so that I can help the girls understand. They miss their great aunt very much.

I think we are going to start counseling at the Attachment and Trauma Center of Nebraska for at least one of the twins. I have been taking a class on attachment there the last several Saturdays, and the counselors are wonderful. I want her to know she is blameless and that it is okay to love both her old family and her new family. I need the help too. The emotional roller-coaster has been tough.

Things we struggle with, part 3

Food. I don't like to make meal times a struggle and am pretty lenient about food, but our twins give "picky" a whole new meaning. My daughter Anna has been an extremely picky eater since birth, and she was less aggravating at five years old than Candace and Sarah. At least she was consistent about what she would or would not eat. With the twins, they may love it today and hate it tomorrow. Here is what they will eat at any time: McDonald's chicken nuggets and fries, cheese pizza, pasta, Omaha Steaks hamburger patty on the grill (only-don't try to fool them with a cheap substitute), bacon and ramen noodles. Sometimes they will eat grapes, bananas and apples. They don't like "normal" kid foods like applesauce or macaroni and cheese. They don't like spicy food unless it is Ethiopian food. Forget milk. Or juice, unless it is mango. Eggs... no. Pancakes... no. Rice... no.

I am having a hard time coming up with food to feed them and the aforementioned older picky daughter. We are getting tired of spaghetti. Have I mentioned that I really don't like to cook?

For now, I am relying on the magic of multivitamins and calcium supplements. And hoping that an expansion of the acceptable foods list is in the future.

Losing my mind, one night at a time

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the miracle of bedtime snuggling and how it had solved our annoying going-to-bed woes with the twins. Well, I spoke too soon... it isn't working anymore. I lay up there for an hour and still frequently leave with wide awake twins. This evening, I forgot a book in their room, and turned around to get it after I had just closed the door. Candace was already out of bed preparing for her first foray downstairs.

The twins have been home for 158 days, and I have put them to bed on each and every one. Maybe 20 of them have been relatively stress-free. That's 138 days of aggravation, and I am just about ready to lose my mind.

Help.

Five months

Today Sarah Fikir and Candace Selam have been home with us for five months!

Happy Halloween!

Fall fun!

The twins' preschool had a field trip yesterday to Vala's pumpkin patch. They didn't know what a pumpkin patch was, but they were very excited to go. Our local "pumpkin patch" is a rather elaborate autumn destination with many attractions as well as acres of pumpkins to choose from... right off the vine.

Sarah and Candace posing in one of the zillions of fall scenes

Chosen from the audience to pick a winner in the Pigtucky Derby. Darn, team purple came in second.

Making corn angels. It's Nebraska.

Bouncing!

Choosing just the right pumpkin

Riding the John Deere train... what a fun day!

Things we struggle with, part 2

Bedtime.

Candace and Sarah are great sleepers... once they fall asleep. From day one at home, however, we have struggled with bedtime. Sometimes we have had out and out tantrums. Sometimes we have struggles getting the routine started. Usually we have multiple trips downstairs after tuck-in and ALWAYS we have resistance of some kind.

We've done all the normal things. We have a well-defined bedtime routine.

The one thing I didn't do was lay down with them until they fell asleep. I have never done that with any of my kids; I have always been one of those moms who wants her kids to be able to fall asleep on their own, and until now that has worked out well.

Until now.

One night after going through the usual rigamarole, I just climbed on Emily's bed and brought the twins up with me, one on each side. Candace pulled the bottom of my shirt up, laid her cheek on my stomach and was asleep in five minutes. Sarah snuggled into the crook of my arm and quickly followed her twin into dreamland. I put them each into their own beds and we were done for the night.

We snuggle like this every night now after Daddy finishes reading a story. I'm giving up twenty or thirty minutes of my precious alone time in the evening, but I'm gaining an amazing feeling of closeness with Candace and Sarah. Okay, they aren't soothing themselves to sleep... probably someday they will. Right now I feel like we are bonding in a way similar to the bond I had with my older kids when they were nursing babies. It's nice and I like it.

The moral of the story is that many of the strategies used to parent my bio kids need to be modified some to work with these girls. And also... you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Things we struggle with, part 1

Getting along with dogs.

We have pets. Lots of pets. Three Boston terriers and two cats, to be exact. Currently, that's "all." I've been wheedling for a goat, horse or miniature donkey for awhile, but I don't think it's happening anytime soon. But I digress.

In the above photo, Candace is with Bridget, her preferred dog.

Both of the twins have had trouble adjusting to the pets, particularly the dogs, and particularly Candace. Sarah actually seems to be okay with having a dog sit with her on the couch now, but Candace still acts like they are carriers of the dreaded cooties. She especially has trouble getting along in a friendly fashion with Bruno, our mature dog who has an unquenchable interest in the game of fetch. Candace has been known to throw his toys away or outside in order to get him to stop bringing them to her. Today I found one in the toilet. This was all kind of funny except that she was starting to be physically aggressive with Bruno, and we were afraid that either she would hurt him or he would bite her. She didn't understand that dogs can't speak or understand human language. We have been encouraging her to try to be nice to them several times a day.

Here she wanted me to take her picture with Bruno... he doesn't really trust her yet and was beating a hasty retreat... but progress is being made.

October snow... first snow!

When I woke up this morning, I saw this:

Candace and Sarah were very excited and couldn't wait to go outside. Luckily I was able to scrounge up two pairs of kid-sized gloves and a couple of hats... no boots, though. I guess I better get on that, and they need snowsuits too. I wasn't expecting to need them quite this early, however!

Four months

Candace and Sarah have been home with us for four months now. Really, the anniversary was yesterday, but I was too tired to write anything. Too tired physically and exhausted emotionally. I love those little girls so much that sometimes my heart hurts. Sometimes I just gaze at them and think about God's miracle that placed them in our family. They are so cute and so smart and so resilient. Those are the good parts. But sometimes they have so much anger and sadness and other hard emotions... I just feel drained. I try so hard to be the comforting mom, the one who can make things better, but sometimes I just don't feel like I can stand one more minute of the demands of emotionally needy five year olds or the needs of the equally emotionally needy teenage siblings. So a lot of days end up with me being the tired and impatient mom who wishes her husband was less busy with his new job and that everyone could deal without me for just one darn day! And then of course, guilty Mom rears her ugly head.

I guess I know that I can't fix the past for the twins even though I wish I could. On the plus side, although grieving issues have intensified, day to day living is easier than it was two or three months ago. The girls love preschool and gymnastics and can communicate well enough to participate in both. We still have issues with bedtime, but there are far fewer tantrums. The sense of entitlement seems to have diminished and both girls act more appreciative of the things they have.

Step by step, I guess. We'll make it.

AGHS Homecoming

Last weekend while we were visiting Emily in Ames, Anna stayed home for her homecoming dance. She looks so grown up these days... here she is with her boyfriend Ethan, his brother and a friend.

And here she is with Ethan before the dance. Thank you big brother Kenneth for taking good care of Anna. I felt bad that I couldn't be in two places at once last weekend!

Cyclone family weekend

Last weekend was family weekend at Iowa State. Tom, the twins and I went to Ames on Saturday and stayed all night to visit with Emily. We had a tailgate dinner with her roommate Maggie's family before the game... which we did not attend, as the twins don't actually appreciate football much. The next morning, we took Emily and Maggie out for brunch and then toured the campus with Emily. We rounded off our too-short visit by making some fun crafts at the Memorial Union.

Candace, Sarah and Emily in the dorm.

Tom and Emily

Me with my beautiful oldest daughter.

Good night

Candace and Sarah snuggle up while Anna reads them a bedtime story. What a great big sister!

Let the Americanization begin

Last week, I posted about a remark Sarah made that cracked me up. Today it was Candace's turn. We were on the way home from dropping Anna off at the large suburban high school where she has diving practice. It's about a 50 minute round-trip from our house. Candace was in the back seat, whining about how hungry she was and bemoaning the fact that we had to take Anna to diving practice at such a (and I quote here) "faraway castle."

Hmmm... too many Disney princess movies?

Out of the mouths of babes

Today I was impatiently encouraging Sarah to hurry up as we were late getting out the door for Anna's diving practice, and Sarah was lolly-gagging in the bathroom. "I can't hurry!" she fumed at me. Exasperated, I demanded to know why. "Because I'm five," she said.

Oh. :)